6/01/09
Puppy X's best friend is a toddler named Cam.
When they meet, there is an orgy of happiness.
Puppy sits up very straight and allows only her tail to belie her excitement. Cam registers his pleasure by pulling on her ears and screaming loudly.
Though they may be weird, they belong to each other absolutely.
Yesterday, Puppy turned the corner near the elvevator and nearly ran over the barely walking Cam.
Cam squealed in surprise. Puppy did the same.
It was a festival of crying and the fearful jumping of conclusions.
Puppies are babies and babies are very much puppies.
~
There is something so precious about belonging.
2/09
We make out like teenagers every few feet of the walk.
You are delighted by this while I am only barely able to disguise my embarrassment.
Still. We make out like teenagers.
*******************************************************
In a moment of utter idiocy, I set my phone to have an old skool bell telephone ring.
In another moment, just as foolish as the first, I forget to turn it off.
When it rings just before 7am, I nearly jump out of my skin.
Lily? Pleasepleaseplease can I come live with you?
Wisely, I do not immediately answer.
Lily, can you make her change her mind?
(Life is fraught when you are 12.)
What's your evil Mama done now, cupcake?
I am stumbling to the kitchen, looking for coffee.
She won't let me hang out with my friends.
I consider carefully.
That's funny. I know your Mama a long long time. She is all about the friends. So. What do you think's her worry?
I cannot possibly be out of half and half, can I?
Chelsea is quiet. She is a thoughtful kid.
She is mad because there won't be any parents there.
I am quiet.
But she should trust me. I'm her daughter.
Her voice is full of preteen pain and I am back at the lunch table with her mother in two seconds flat.
Baby. You know this is not about you. Mama knows you.
I pause.
Your mama was a lazy teenager who never wanted to do anything until she wanted to be a mom. Hear this. The only thing your mom was ever on time for was your birth. She gave up good vodka, not to mention sushi, for you. Before she even knew how excellent you are as a person. She did it because she pledged her whole heart to the task of making you safe in the world. Her whole heart. So here's the thing, Chels. I love you. I would do anything for you. But even if I could agree that your mom is being a little overwrought...I have to have her back. I'm sorry. The whole parenting thing is mysterious to me. But I trust your mama. I really really do.
I hear her sigh, audibly.
Lily, this isn't fair.
No, baby, I don't suppose it is.
But it is sort of beautiful.
*************************************************
Due to an accidental reveal of my personal email, a few more people might know about this space.
On the one hand, it's no big deal. I fold the past and the present together and never give away my exact place in the origami. I hide myself well.
On the other hand, I like my boundaries.
In any case, I suppose I may reconsider this space.
Or come to terms with the fact that everyone is on the internet these days.
The Wild West has been tamed.
*********************************************************
Puppy X! You are getting so so big, girly girl!
You are almost 9 months! Almost 5!
Soon you will be conserving mass and volume!
How's that for excitement, puppy girl?
concrete operational thinking is almost here!
(I should probably be more embarrassed about the conversations I have with my dog.)
*******************************************************
Sometimes, the words just go.
Often, I wrestle with them, mourn them, roll them inside my head.
Sometimes I respect them, indulge them, weigh them, and beat them down.
Occasionally, I pick at them, wield them, and save them.
What I don't do is beg them.
They come and they go. Apart from me.
They don't belong to me.
They never did.
***********************************************************
Are we arguing?
I am almost serious when I ask this. He sighs on the line.
No, we're not arguing. You're being stupid.
Oh? You sure this isn't just you getting all girl about this?
He sighs louder.
No one is against Valentine's Day, Lily. It is a harmless day when people do things together, like have a nice dinner.
I'm against it. I am especially against rescheduling it.
He is quiet so I go on.
Besides, I don't love you. This is not news. You don't love me either. That's kind of what makes us work.
Now I'm wondering if he's hung up on me.
(Hung up the phone on me, I mean.)
I get squirmish waiting on him to speak.
Maybe we should talk about some other stupid thing I do. Diffuse the situation.
Oh?
Yeah, like how about the way I forget to check messages? Or the way I never answer the phone or check the messages?
I think I hear him chuckle under his breath.
You can be pretty irritating.
I know! Aren't you glad you aren't dating me?
***********************************************
Kenny has a new trick.
If you help him into a sitting position, he may pitch and wobble a bit, but he can now sit up all by himself.
This thrills him, and more often than not, once he realizes that he can look around in a new way from this new position, he erupts with this pealing laughter that echoes all over the clinic.
When Kenny laughs, voices pipe up from all around.
Yay, Kenny!
and
Hello, Kenny!
and
Go, Kenny!
Everyone knows what a feat this is for Kenny. He is two, and nothing about his life so far has been easy. Still, Kenny laughs from his toes up, and that makes him easy to know and very easy to love.
Kenny doesn't have many words, but when he sees me, he always yells, clear as day:
PUPPY!
Puppy is not my name, of course, but really? Puppy X is what makes me interesting.
For the second time today, I whip out recent video and tell stories and when I am done, I ask Kenny if he has a kissable spot.
He closes his eyes and beams until I kiss the top of his head.
Daisies grow in the most impossible places.
***************************************************
I stop by to see J, aka J-man Superman, even though I am running short on time.
Never let a kid down.
Move molehills, make excuses, skip the 'bux stop. whatever.
Just don't let a kid down.
I fish around my thousand pound bag for the point and shoot.
(Nothing makes me cooler than fresh puppy x footage.)
Hey, J, what you thinking?
He has a PSP on pause and is staring into some middle distance.
I pause. Ten year olds are never this quiet.
I sit down and pick up the PSP and I make a deal of acting like I can't make it work.
It ain't katamari.
I shrug nonchalantly and hand it back.
Wanna see puppy x?
Is this dancing for cheese? you brought that already.
Dude. I may be old but I am not senile.
He doesn't laugh, but he watches puppy x twice, petting her image on the screen with his thumb.
Weird puppy, Lily.
True that.
We are quiet for a few minutes.
Can I come visit her sometime?
I lean over and kiss him on his forehead awkwardly. I am not good at affection.
Of course you can. Just don't make fun of my housekeeping.
He watches me as I walk away.
I feel his eyes.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Like a mantra.
Louder and louder the further away I get.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
***************************************************
I am drowsy.
There is piano music in the not distant background. I don't know who is playing. Mostly they are students who pass by, fling their backpacks on the ground, and tumble forward into notes that feel down warm, deep and familiar.
I don't fight the sleepy until I feel a sticky little hand kind of tickling my neck.
Lily need a sippy cup?
He is trying to climb on my lap while sing songing to me.
Lily need a sippy cup?
I open an eye.
Hello, puppy.
He grabs my ears with his four year old mittens.
LILY NEED A SIPPY CUP??
He catches attention then and D. scoops him up before I can stop her.
He fusses and contorts himself over her shoulder to reach for me.
I have to turn away because I don't want him to see me cry.
I don't want anyone to see my cry.
I really really hate today.
**************************************************************************
1/09
It is the first day of kindergarten and I am testy.
No one told me that school would be so bossy.
Sit here. Eat now. Get in line.
(I seriously did not understand the concept of queuing up.)
During some short stretch of unplotted moments, I am walking around the room, reading these odd little posters whose purpose is to teach color names. On one is a fire truck, an apple, and the word RED, all in the color red.
I thought the posters were kind of weird. What does a fire truck have to do with an apple?
I am puzzling over another poster that shows grapes, and a plum, when a little voice pipes up from behind me.
Purple! It says purple!
I turn around and face poor Patty. Poor, sweet, apparently dumb Patty.
I sigh dramatically before responding.
Everyone knows it really says VIOLET.
After which I stomp off while poor Patty stares, crestfallen, at the poster.
.
I never suffer fools.