Puppy X has a strong sense of personal responsibility.
I'm not sure where this comes from but it manifests itself primarily in the way she goes about protecting the castle.
At the first sign of thunder, she takes up her post at the door the balcony, sitting like a sentry, looking out, scanning for I don't know what. She won't move until the rain stops, nor will she make a sound. When she is sure the invisible danger has passed, she drags herself to the lap and falls asleep hard for about an hour or so.
Apparently, guarding the family is exhausting work.
Then there is the business with the legs.
Puppy likes to sleep on the non peopled end of the bed, curled especially close to someone, anyone really, as long as they are warm. However, when the people shift during the night, puppy feels the need to jump up and grumble loudly at the mysterious movement of the covers. Occasionally, she pounces on the intruders under the covers. It doesn't matter how often I tell her that the intruders are merely legs, in fact the same legs that carry me around all day, especially when we play. It doesn't matter if I get out of bed to show her said legs and ask her to watch them take their place under the covers when I get into bed. She doesn't get it. Once the legs cease to be visible, they become something to keep a watchful eye on.
No wonder she sleeps so much during the day.
To say it was surprising is kind of an understatement.
I was scrambling through internet holes and taking note of this and that, somewhat passively, until I landed on the Facebook page of someone I no longer know. I was surprised, and kind of almost choked up, and I tried to zoom in to get a better look at him, his wife, and his now preteen kids.
I couldn't really see clearly, so, I looked around and saw his list of friends and a name on the list nearly screamed from the page.
The ex.
His name was not a link. I think it means I'm blocked.
At first, I wasn't particularly surprised. If I knew there was a chance he could find me on the autobahn, I would block him, too. I guard my personal privacy and I don't want him to know anything about me. Not a thing. Yet, the longer I thought about it, the more I was confused. To block me, he would have had to seek me out. I am not easy to find on FB, or anywhere. He would have to work fairly hard to find me and then he would have put effort into blocking me. I find this effort surprising when, in fact, I have done nothing at all to cause him to take such extreme measures.
Yes, I am sure. I did nothing to provoke this action. In fact, I have made no attempt to contact him since the night he stole everything and then embarked on what can only be called the evil and crazy campaign to destroy me, knowing all along that I would not, could not, get as dirty as he was willing to get, and therefore, would walk away. Which is what I did. I walked away.
I'm not sure why I want to talk about it now. They say that every 7 years every cell in your body turns over and that you are literally not the same person you were 7 years ago. Maybe I finally have you out of my bloodstream. Maybe I'm too damn tired trying to accept your version of our end. I contorted myself and beat myself senseless in the service of regret and sorrow. I took all the blame, because I was wired to be sorry and to accept blame. You preyed on that, you counted on my background trauma to make you a winner.
You're a real winner, ex.
The funny, odd and sad thing about endings is that, with some space, it is easier to understand things you wish you understood then and now, this many years out, I am far more merciful to both of us than I could have been when we were in the thick of it. I often wish you had the guts to live up to your promise that we would be friends by now, because I think we could help each other identify and develop the tools we need to be better people in the world.
But I don't think that will ever happen because you are a liar and a thief and an all around manipulative narcissistic child.
The night that you were supposed to sign our negotiated settlement, you refused, and drained all our joint accounts, bankrupting me, and hiring a new lawyer who validated H's belief that everything we had built up as a couple belonged to you. Yes, I know it was she who advocated for that, telling you exactly what you wanted to hear. She had her reasons. She still does. She is one evil bitch. And you liked what she had to say. You liked even better that shrill lawyer you retained with our money. He let you think that everything was yours. He help you lie and stonewall at every turn. He fed your belief that I would be disgusted by the lying, manipulation, and materialistic nature of your assault.
You were right.
I walked away, giving up what was legally and morally mine because you made me sick. Thinking about it now still makes me sick.
I have never spoken to you since.
I'm discussing it now, once only, for a very specific reason.
I need to get you out of my system. I need to shed you. I need to get back all the things I let you take away from me. My words. My self respect. My compass.
You don't deserve another day of my silence.
If you want to make it right, you know where to find me. In the absence of that, I have nothing but contempt for you.